The Bud Light disaster has now reached epic proportions. Anheuser-Busch is reporting losses to its shareholders of more than $1 billion since the debacle began.
“We have to face the fact that we’ve done real harm,” said interim CEO Joe Barron, who took over for Augustus Anheuser III. Anheuser resigned and took the company’s entire marketing team with him.
“It looked like we would lose $800 million in one day, but then it got a little bit better,” said Barron, “we ended up only losing $600 million that day, but the overall cost of the past week tops a billion.”
Investors are furious that the snafu went this far off course. “I’ve lost gas money for my yacht for a year,” said Sandy Batt,” and it wasn’t even my beer that screwed up.” Batt is a notorious Miller Lite lover, for some reason.”
There have been varying reports of the company’s stock price, with several Twitter geniuses posting a .06 drop as some kind of crash when actually it’s a typical day of trading and lacks any basis in truth. “Yeah that’s just a crock,” said Barron, “we lost all this money for articles on Facebook, but trying to back the claim with real-world data isn’t really…possible.”
Barron has now admitted that the company lies to the public. Or that we do. We’ll send out an investigative reporter to find out. God Bless America.