I Didn’t Do It. It Wasn’t Me.
The easiest excuse? Denying it. “Most cheaters immediately deny wrongdoing,” New York–based relationship and etiquette expert of Relationship Advice Forum, April Masini, tells Bustle. “It’s the easiest excuse to get out of their mouths, quickly.
And for victims who are not ready for the truth, that denial may give them relief, at least temporarily. And, if it does bring them relief, they’ll back off, making the denial a great tool for cheaters who don’t want conflict.”
You’re Out Of Your Mind!
When my husband accused me of being out of my mind for thinking he was cheating, I lost it. Not just because I knew I wasn’t, but because I’m so tired of men gaslighting women. Gaslighting isn’t just messed up, but a form of abuse, and when someone calls your mental stability into question that’s exactly what they’re doing.
As Masini says, “Cheaters who try to make accusers think they’re [out of their mind]… will not only deny any wrongdoing, but they’ll try to spin the truth to make it seem like the accuser is out of his or her mind and is really losing it.” Basically, gaslighting is designed to make you think your instincts are out of whack, Masini says.
We’re Just Good Friends.
Cheaters who have long relationships with their betraying partners, because those partners are work colleagues, spouses of friends or neighbors, for instance, may try to slough off the cheating as a ‘just friends’ situation,” says Masini.
“They may try to get you to believe that late-night phone calls were innocent and that receipts from dinners or hotels were simply platonic situations that the accuser is misinterpreting.”
It Just Happened Once.
Although love and sex can exist without the other, does it “just being sex” and “just happening once” make it OK? It depends on your relationship, tolerance, and ability to forgive.
“Cheaters who are caught red-handed and can’t use the denial, gaslighting, or downplaying a relationship to just good friends, may admit to indiscretion, but lie about the frequency and timeline of the illicit relationship,” says Masini.
It’s Over.
“Cheaters who are chronic cheaters may actually end the cheating, or else just tell their partners that they’re ending the cheating… but they don’t,” says Masini.
“They may intentionally lie about ending the affair, or they may intend to end it, but succumb to desire instead. Either way, the excuse, ‘It’s over,’ doesn’t stick. When victims have heard this excuse more than once, it becomes harder to accept.”
It Didn’t Mean Anything.
Again, we have an example of sex being just that: sex. But while that may be true, from a physical aspect, it doesn’t erase the fact that deception and betrayal are part of the equation.
“Cheaters who subscribe to the ‘don’t ask, don’t tell’ mentality, resort to this excuse, ‘It didn’t mean anything,’ more often than other cheaters,” says Masini.
I Need Help!
Last, but certainly not least, is the cheater playing the victim to gain sympathy, while promising to sign up for sex addiction therapy, as we’ve seen so many times with celebrity couples where one partner has cheated.
But just because someone cheats, it doesn’t necessarily make them a sex addict. If anything, claiming such an addiction because one lacks self-control is severely insulting to those who actually struggle with sex addiction.
“Cheaters who, when caught, say, ‘I need help!’ try to turn the empathy onto themselves, so that they don’t have to take responsibility for their behavior,” …
